Thursday, July 25, 2013

No Fear

So when I moved up here, there was parts of me that was looking for an adventure. There was also parts of me that couldn't wait to meet a lot of hot guys. It's Alaska right? The male to female ratio here is in my favor.

Maybe, just maybe I had it all wrong. Maybe this wasn't about finding the "one." But finding me.
Iv'e been kind of lost since I got here. I left a life I had created for myself and my heart in Oregon. In this one guys hands. He knows he has it and won't do anything about it. I've loved him for a very long time. 3 years actually.

He came into my life when I needed him more than I could of ever realized I would ever need somebody. He became my knight in redneck armor. And I loved him for it. I will always love him for it. He is a big part of my history and through the years I've tried to let him go and I always find that I can't. Maybe I lost sight of how strong I am without him. For as long as I thought I needed him, maybe I didn't and just thought I did.

I'm a strong woman, I have been through a lot in my life and in him I found a rock I could cry on and he wouldn't leave me because of it. He was the ying to my yang. And here I am in Alaska, without him and I'm lost. See, in Oregon I knew even if he wasn't around he was still there. Now i'm left wondering if i'll ever see him again. Life is funny when you fall in love with your best friend. For even when you try to let go of one love, they still have a place in your heart with a different kind of love.

So here I am. Lost without him and I don't know why I cling to him so much. I don't know why I don't think I can do it without him. Why I can't date and move on because I know him and I will always be "just" friends. And there is my answer. I have to go, I have to find me again. Who I am without him and who i'll become despite him. "No fear." I've lived frozen for to long. I'm here and I need to stop living in the past of what was and just be glad he entered my life. He wrote a big chapter with me, but that chapter closed long ago and re-reading the same story doesn't put me here in Juneau Alaska.

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