Sunday, October 6, 2013

It's been 6 weeks since I said goodbye to Oregon.
Six of the hardest weeks of my life. A roller coaster ride of emotions. Wondering at times if I made the right choice for myself in moving up here, missing my friends and my family. Missing my old job when I had savings and some money to do with as I wanted. Missing having a car to get around. Missing the life I had created for myself. I wanted to give up on the journey I had set out on because I was feeling sorry for myself. I didn't have anything to fight for here and while Oregon wasn't much, it was still "mine."

I had a reality check from a few friends. It wasn't really easy to hear but I needed to hear it. I came up here to do for me. To live my life and stop letting it pass me by. In my heart Oregon will always be home to me. But, Oregon will always be there too. And for now, I need to be here.

It's been a minute....

Since i've written anything for cyber space. Would love to say i've been so darn busy with my life that I just haven't had a free moment to spare.
Not true. I've just been avoiding coming on here as I really haven't had much to say.
It's fall here in the last fronteir. Fall here feels like the start of winter in Oregon so i'm going to be in for one cold ass reality check the first time the snow falls.
The leaves are turning color though the pine trees remain green. The sun is starting to set about 6:30. Another reality i'll be facing is no sun. I'll go to work when it's dark and come home when it's dark. Not looking forward to that.
I've been able to get out and actually see Alaska and the beauty that God has created and it is just as beautiful if not more than I ever imagined.
As far as adventure goes, there hasn't been too much. I did meet a guy though and he seems really nice. He's a cutie for sure. Kind of reminds me of Kenny Chesney ( he doesn't care much for country either. Depressing. ) I country music. Hell, then again my roomies don't like country all that much either. How the hell can you live here and NOT like country I'll never understand!

There is a glacier by my work. It's so cool to be walking home and see the sun hit it. To see the moutains around me, the cool crisp air and to still be pinching myself that I'm living a dream of mine. The crows up here are HUGE!!!!! (random)
Anyways, for anybody actually reading this i'll try to live a more adventouse life so my blog is actually interesting. Until then.

Monday, July 29, 2013

"I'm moving on...

Atlast I see life has been patiently waiting for me."
And tonight 7/29/2013 a little over 3 years after I gave my heart away I finally got it back. I feel so free and like a weight has been lifted off of me that i've been carrying around for damn too long.
I was hoping that one day he would finally see that we could be great together if he ever just got the fuck over himself. And tonight I let go of the past and stopped living there.

See, I realized that I was just in love with the memories, of what I painted in my head "If Only."
Did I mention I lived there for a very, very long time. Maybe I didn't want to believe, to see that the truth was always infront of my face and man how I chased that boy. How do you just let go of a connection that strong? Truth is you don't. It's there and that will never change. Maybe I got loving him and being in love with him mixed up in my own head. I know I clung to the memories where it was safe, because in those memories I loved him so deeply.

I honestly think he was the first person I truly loved. Heart and soul. And I guess for one reason that's why he came into my life. He also came to make me strong and give me a back bone.
"Just friends." Used to be such a scary word. Not anymore. No. We're better off as friends.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

No Fear

So when I moved up here, there was parts of me that was looking for an adventure. There was also parts of me that couldn't wait to meet a lot of hot guys. It's Alaska right? The male to female ratio here is in my favor.

Maybe, just maybe I had it all wrong. Maybe this wasn't about finding the "one." But finding me.
Iv'e been kind of lost since I got here. I left a life I had created for myself and my heart in Oregon. In this one guys hands. He knows he has it and won't do anything about it. I've loved him for a very long time. 3 years actually.

He came into my life when I needed him more than I could of ever realized I would ever need somebody. He became my knight in redneck armor. And I loved him for it. I will always love him for it. He is a big part of my history and through the years I've tried to let him go and I always find that I can't. Maybe I lost sight of how strong I am without him. For as long as I thought I needed him, maybe I didn't and just thought I did.

I'm a strong woman, I have been through a lot in my life and in him I found a rock I could cry on and he wouldn't leave me because of it. He was the ying to my yang. And here I am in Alaska, without him and I'm lost. See, in Oregon I knew even if he wasn't around he was still there. Now i'm left wondering if i'll ever see him again. Life is funny when you fall in love with your best friend. For even when you try to let go of one love, they still have a place in your heart with a different kind of love.

So here I am. Lost without him and I don't know why I cling to him so much. I don't know why I don't think I can do it without him. Why I can't date and move on because I know him and I will always be "just" friends. And there is my answer. I have to go, I have to find me again. Who I am without him and who i'll become despite him. "No fear." I've lived frozen for to long. I'm here and I need to stop living in the past of what was and just be glad he entered my life. He wrote a big chapter with me, but that chapter closed long ago and re-reading the same story doesn't put me here in Juneau Alaska.

Saturday, July 6, 2013


Well, we have been up here for a little over two weeks now. The first night here was so odd. When we got off the plane the sky still had light in it and to say we weren't a little fucking wacked out would be a complete lie. And the boat that we were on, talk about a small space for 5 adults, one very curious toddler and two dogs. Thank god we only had to stay on the boat for 4 days and we were able to move into the trailer hood.

And that's how are fist week was spent. Moving and cleaning up the place. (It was trashed. Clothes everywhere, trash in the front, paint on the walls. Stickers all over the place.) Talk about no respect for the owners property. Shit. So with that our first week was busy.

There is only one car right now as we are waiting to get our own so being able to get out and look for work and actually "sight see" has been hard. I still haven't really seen that much.

Thankfuly I have an interview on Monday for a company that isn't even a 10 minute walk from my house. Keep your fingers crossed for me! I really, really need this job. Alaska broke my savings account rather quick with things we needed for the house and things I needed.

I do love it up here <3

Enjoy the View

It’s 10 pm and here I am on my final flight from Seattle to Alaska. I’m staring out the window listening to music and feeling out of wack as the sun is lighting the way and showing me the clouds beneath me.

It's a beautiful view as I think back over the last five years of my life and just really realizing that Oregon really has become my home and as this chapter of my life closes and I embark on the next one I wonder what will happen and just how i'll feel.

I said good bye to my best friend last night, and it was so weird for me. I'm used to him being the one to move away and leave me. My heart sinks wondering when and if i'll ever see him again.

I also said so long to a life I have created and picked myself up not knowing what it is i'm even getting myself into and not caring. It's an adventure at age 26. Why the hell not right?

So the baby had a complete freak out. Poor little man was sooooo tired. I think we're all really tired and in need of a breather. I'm hoping that the next two days we can just relax before we really have to get down to the nitty gritty and find jobs and stuff. It's

been kind of nice not having to go to work the last week. Not so nice not having a car. But still, I get to just chill. Even though, there really was no chilling. LOL.

10:13 pm Oregon time (No clue where we are right now. Canada? Who knows) And I still see beautiful white clouds as the sun skims them with golden rays casting a halo of light and making me think of heaven and my dad and my friends who passed. The light feels like early morning. I've been up since 8 am this morning and though i'm tired, I am very much wide awake. It's quiet up here and I get to think and take a moment for myself.

It's been a long past three months. This move started off as a vacation and I can't believe that my flight is only one way still. I was told by somebody who worked sercurity at my old job to "Enjoy the view." And I think i'm going to do just that.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

11 days to go.

Tonight is my last day of employment and go me it's a closing shift. Hoping to see a lot of friendly faces or just that the night goes by fast. I've met a lot of wonderful people at my job and will truly miss them. Others not so much. LOL.

Well, 11 days until we leave. WOW. Doesn't seem like there is enough time. I've got my stuff some what packed. Mostly clothes left and I need to go buy a lock case for my gun and ship the box with my blankets and pictures in it. Wondering how much that one is gonna cost me. It's a big box.

Getting excited and just ready to go and leave the drama of this wonderful valley behind me. A fresh start is ahead. With adventures waiting to be had, memories to be made and a beautiful state to live in.